i went and applied for a job as a marsupial yesterday

they told me i was not koalafied.

A guy goes into a pharmacy.  He needs condoms for his date later on but doesn't know what kind to buy.  A pharmacist walks up to him and gives the guy some help.  The pharmacist wishes him luck and the guy goes on his way.

Later on, the guy meets his girlfriend at she and her parents' house for dinner.  The guy meets her parents for the first time.  They all say a quick grace and when the girlfriend lifts her head she sees the guy still has his head bowed.  She whispers 'I never knew you were so religious!' and he whispers back 'I never knew your dad was a pharmacist!'.

That's all I got   lol

 Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella?

 Fo' drizzle.

 What did the mayonnaise say to the refrigerator door?

... Close the door, I'm dressing!

nice shirt:

 Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella?

 Fo' drizzle.

Heeey I was gonna do that one!  :P

 what type of cheese is not yours?

nacho cheese

o_0

 How do you make an ugly baby?

Have sex with your mom. 

hehe

Jagerick:

 How do you make an ugly baby?

Have sex with your mom. 

hehe

*cough cough*

---

What's this? ->  /////

 It's a heard of these. -> /

 blololol.

Two trees were talking in the forest.  One asks the other "Do you happen to know if this sapling here is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The other tree replies "I'm not sure if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch, but lets ask this woodpecker sitting in my limbs if he knows"

After asking, the woodpecker replies "I'm not certain either.  Let me go see" and flies down to the sapling. 

Rat-a-tat-tat the woodpecker goes and flies back to report his findings:

"Well", the woodpecker begins "that sapling is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch, but I must say that it is in fact the best piece of ash I ever put my pecker in"

 brian that was a great woodland joke, you dont get many of those. now here is one that i will never stop loving.

two muffins sitting in the oven.

one muffin says to the other "damn its hot in here!"

the other muffin says "holy shit! talking muffin!"

heheheh

nouseforaname:

 brian that was a great woodland joke, you dont get many of those. now here is one that i will never stop loving.

two muffins sitting in the oven.

one muffin says to the other "damn its hot in here!"

the other muffin says "holy shit! talking muffin!"

heheheh

OMG I forgot about that one! It was seriously my favorite joke when I was in middle school, and I drew comics about it and my friends would put them up all over the school. I had everyone saying it because it was so great!

 Well, now I have to do my all-time favorite:

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants.  The bartender looks at him and says "What's up with that thing? Doesn't it bother you?" And the pirate says, "Yarrr, it's driving me nuts!"

TempestSquirrel:

 Well, now I have to do my all-time favorite:

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants.  The bartender looks at him and says "What's up with that thing? Doesn't it bother you?" And the pirate says, "Yarrr, it's driving me nuts!"

I love this thread...

What's the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at  a parachute packing plant....

 How do you make two piccolos sound in tune?

 Shoot one.

Edit: I've got a good one (or few) from physics class today! So we were watching this time-lapse video of two comets crashing into the Sun, and after, my teacher (who is the funniest guy in the world, seriously) says, "That video was from the satellite Soho. And no, not like 'So, ho, where ma money?'" XD And another one, "This is the size of Uranus relative to the Sun. And yes, I will say it Ur-uh-nis, because I know if I say Ur-ay-nis, it will make you all giggle uncontrollably. So, yes. *nod* Ur-uh-nis. *thinks for a moment* Ur-ay-nis. As opposed to my anus?" XD It was soooo good.

And then the calc teacher from next door came in and he made some wife jokes. My teacher says, "You wanna know whose breath smells bad? Your wife's. You wanna smell your wife's breath? *exhales*" LOL.

so two atoms were having a drink at the bar, and they get up to leave. As soon as they get inside, one atom says to the other "oh no, i think i left an electron inside". The second one says "Are you sure?". The first atom replies "yes, i'm positive".....

just a nerdy lil' science joke